You guys.

I can’t even describe what it feels like to sit here and write out this post. I mean, I knew that training for and then running my first marathon was going to be a huge undertaking, but I didn’t realize how much of an emotional journey it would be. Since deciding I wanted to run a half marathon last summer when I couldn’t even finish a three mile run around my neighborhood without several stops to walk and gasp for air, I feel like I’ve experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows in regards to not just running, but how I feel about myself as a person. I went from feeling so disappointed in myself after bad runs to feeling the most incredible highs after good ones. I ran in the rain, feeling like a serious bad ass, and struggled to get myself motivated in the heat, cold, wind, etc. At one point I wrote on instagram “I just don’t know if I have a full in me”. Well, it makes me SO incredibly proud to tell you guys today that, yes, I had it in me all along.

At the starting line, I was SO anxious. I cried during the national anthem, and just tried to keep breathing in and out to calm down and get my head in the game. I said goodbye to John and before I knew it, it was time to go! I was feeling AMAZING when I started out (race day adrenaline will do that to you!) and had to keep reminding myself to slow down. I felt like I could have busted out into sprints at that point, but I knew I needed to save my energy. I kept up my slow pace pretty well even though it felt like a bajillion people were passing me by. I just kept repeating to myself “Run your own race!”. That’s something I’ve learned to try to apply to my entire life…including my business! I sometimes get caught up in trying to keep up with the joneses (who doesn’t?) and remembering to run my own race is so important.

The race course itself was so much fun. There were live bands, DJs, lots of spectators offering encouragement and high fives, and a ton of runners with cool outfits/shirts to just stare at. For the first 9 miles, I was pretty much just chilling….even the first time I realized I could eat a GU packet, I was like “Oh yeah, I get to eat a gu now!” normally when I’m training on my own, I can’t wait to get into a gu to give myself something to do or to give me that extra push. The BEST part of the course was running through Camp Pendelton during the 7ish-9ish. A ton of the soldiers were out cheering on the runners, so I pulled out my headphones and just listened to them cheer for us and high fived as many as I could. All I could think about was the sacrifices they make for us every day and how incredibly strong each of them is. Thinking about their strength and courage, and in particular my sister, who is in the Army, really inspired me. It was just so awesome and it was incredibly motivating! I kept thinking, if they do all of the amazing stuff they do, I can beast out on this one run. I mean, come on. That gave me a huge spurt of energy, and so did crossing the 7 mile mark, because I knew my bib would alert my friends and family I’d made it that far.

I finally got to see John around the halfway mark. I was still feeling pretty good, but getting a little fatigued. My knees had started aching around the 9, but I just ignored it as best I could and kept trucking along. When I saw John, I was so excited! There was my person! I stopped to hug him and felt so excited after that I went on to run really well in my 13-18ish. At that point I stopped trying to really pace myself and just let myself run as fast as it still felt good. I was passing people (finally!) and that felt really awesome. My playlist was also perfectly timed to pick up at this point…and DMX in your ear will get you going like nothing else does! Besides my sore knees and feet, I felt AMAZING. I literally thought to myself “I feel SO good right now, today is an awesome day….I feel so happy right now”. Haha who seriously thinks “I’M SO HAPPY” while running on sore knees past 13 miles?? I might be a crazy runner now, you guys.

At some point between 17ish-19 it started to get really cold and cloudy…and somewhat lonely on the course. We ran through Fort Story and that was when the wind really picked up and I started to feel really tired. I tried to slow down to conserve some energy so I’d have some juice left for the finish, and just kept pace behind another group of runners. I stopped and walked to eat a gu. And then to eat a banana. And then to drink some water and gatorade. But I tried to keep running through the pain as much as I could, just repeating positive things to myself. I said things like “The hard parts like this are what makes this a marathon and not just some jog around the block. The hard parts like this are what make you tough and strong. The hard parts are what make you an athlete”. I thought about John. I thought about all of the friends who had wished me good luck and pictured a big group of them cheering for me really loud. I played Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry “Roar” even though I hate that song. I just needed any little bit of motivation I could get to push through and not stop to walk.

Eventually we got out of Fort Story and made it to Atlantic Avenue. Which is way longer than I used to think! I used yet another port o potty and realized that my mental clarity was just about gone. When you run really long runs, at some point, you’re not all mentally there. It’s kind of like being tipsy or just in a fog if that makes sense. I just kept moving and trying to pep myself up. I almost cried a couple of times because I was hurting and tired and just overwhelmed by how far I’d come. I saved my very last caffienated GU til the 23…I sucked it down, and then felt ready to bust out the last 3.2 thanks again to Miley Cyrus and DMX. When I finally turned the corner that led to the boardwalk and to the finish line, I started to feel relieved. Not too much longer and I’d be there! I slowed my pace a little bit so I’d have the energy left to sprint across the finish line. I told myself “When you’re three hotels away from the finish, you can sprint”. So I jogged and counted off the light posts til I got to the third hotel, and that’s when I started to get a massive cramp in my left leg. Great timing, huh? I started to sprint anyway, and at some point I saw my people on the sideline. Searing pain in my left calf, knees on fire, running as fast as I could being that tired, I crossed the finish line after 4:56 of running, literally screaming and crying. I DID IT. Me, who never ran a mile until I was in my 20s, who couldn’t run 3 miles back in the summer. Who though less than 10 weeks ago that I didn’t have it in me. More than anything, I felt so proud that I showed myself what I’m really made of.

When I look back at my experience running my first marathon, it isn’t necessarily the actual running I think about. Though I think I have grown to genuinely love running, I think that’s just a side effect of all the other good things it’s brought into my life. I always had terrible self esteem. I think part of that has to do with the fact that I always felt so different, like the proverbial square peg trying to fit herself into a round hole. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and I hated both the inside and outside of my body, the way my face told the world that I was different and somehow made me feel not as good as the rest of my family and friends. Running, and training for this marathon taught me that my body is a wonderful thing. It is powerful, strong, and capable. It’s my mind that’s really weak…not my legs or my back, or my triceps. It’s my mind that tells me that I can’t, or that I’m not good enough, not my body.

Looking back on the race, I won’t just remember the marathon, and how it felt to finish, but the entire journey that led me there, and how much I learned about myself along the way. The finishers medal I received doesn’t just represent the 26.2 I ran on Sunday…it represents all of the hours of training through this horribly cold winter, through rain and wind, the sunburn, the windburn, the cussing as I got into each and every ice bath, the $$$ I spent on GU and training items, all of the aches and pains, and most importantly, the doubt I had in myself, and how I proved myself wrong.

I want to thank everyone who supported me along this journey from the bottom of my heart. You have no idea what it means to me every time you text me, call me, comment on my post, like a picture or a status update, or just generally do something nice to encourage me. It seriously means the world to me. You guys are a huge reason that I didn’t quit back at the beginning or any of the other times that this started to get hard. Thank you for getting me to that finish line! Also, I couldn’t end this post without a shout out to my good friend Kim and her friend Christy, who finished their first half marathon at Shamrock on Sunday! I am so proud of them!!