Today marks two weeks since I left my full time job and so far I think it’s everything I thought it would be…but on steroids. Some days I feel like being self employed is not the best idea for someone who is a self described chronic worrier, like the other night when I stayed up til two AM pacing around and scribbling out all kinds of numbers trying to figure out EXACTLY what I need to book next year to live and run the business. Worrying is what I do. It’s that simple. My mind is always going through a hundred different scenarios of how any one situation could turn out. It’s exhausting and it’s been made worse by having a career that is so unpredictable. I can’t say whether or not I will book the weddings I need to book next year. If anyone will ever book me again, for that matter. I just can’t say.
So far I’ve discovered that the only thing that keeps me from letting the fear completely cripple me is trying to add balance back into my life. Before I quit my job, I was working every night from the time I got home til the time I went to bed. On Saturdays I would shoot a wedding or an engagement session or SOMETHING and then Sunday I’d be editing all day to try and be caught up for the week ahead. There was really very little time for me to enjoy my husband and our cat, much less any FRIENDS. What are those?? I haven’t seen ANY of the girls who were my bridesmaids since ST Patrick’s Day. Well having 7:30-5:30 to run my business has been the best thing ever. I don’t feel rushed with my work, I can take my time and not make stupid mistakes on things. I can get things done more quickly and I can wrap up by the end of the day and BE A REGULAR PERSON. And the BEST part of being full time so far is being able to rearrange my day to accommodate things I also just WANT to do, like meeting a friend to see a movie in the middle of the day or going to the gym in the morning instead of in the evening when it’s crowded. I’m learning that these little things I’m doing for myself are also good for my business. When I’m happy and relaxed instead of frazzled and overworked, I’m more creative, more productive, and my attitude is way more positive.
And that’s not to say the balancing thing hasn’t had it’s moments… I’ve noticed that my craziest worrying happens after 10PM, so I’ve made a pact with myself to stop ALL WORK at or before 8pm. And I’m thinking about taking my email off of my iPhone. I take my phone everywhere and I’m always looking at it, trying to check my email, see what’s going on. It’s not healthy. I also sitting at my desk now every day and playing Pandora to help me get into that productive “work” mindset every morning. I’m starting to get into a routine and it feels REALLY good. Now, if I could only figure out a way to block myself from Facebook and Twitter during the day while I need to be getting things done:)
Overall the last two weeks have been pretty amazing. Yeah, I’ve had my weak moments…but I wouldn’t trade my new life for a thing. Yesterday as I was out running some errands I suddenly realized that I have two of the things I have wanted most for pretty much all of my life…I have a devoted husband who loves me more than I deserve and a career that I LOVE and am proud of. No, we don’t own our own home, we are nowhere near as close as we would have liked to have been to having kids, and in a perfect world there would be many more $$$ in my account, but let’s be real for a second….I have it pretty darn good.